Some actual deep thoughts...

Seems Mom, Merilee and Sharel were out getting their nails done and they had a discussion about the HPPV vaccine.  Sharel wanted to discuss with me this vaccine and make sure we were on the same page.  We are.  Not saying we are right about this and everyone else is wrong- just that this is what we feel is right for our family.

Sharel and I won’t be giving our girls this vaccine until they are 18 for the following reasons: (My info is from the CDC here- http://www.cdc.gov/std/Hpv/STDFact-HPV-vaccine.htm)

1.        It is not a cervical cancer vaccine, but rather an HPPV vaccine.  HPPV is a sexually transmitted disease that is one of the causes of cervical cancer, not the only one.  According to the CDC, no sex=no virus.

2.       While mom and Merilee made a good point that one could acquire it after marriage, therefore the vaccination should be given- it does not need to be given to my 13 year old- the vaccination is proven effective and safe up to 26 years of age, hence my statement above that we will give it to them when they are 18.

3.       Sharel and I do have certain expectations from our kids, and one of the them is being moral.  We will teach and explain the reasons why, and we will hope they choose to do the right thing.  Just personally, we don’t want to shield them from the consequences of their actions.  I know that may sound cold and heartless, but it really isn’t.  It would be just as hard for us as it will be for them should they get sick or pregnant- but we can’t protect them their whole life as much as we want to.  Like I said- not saying our way is right, and everyone else’s is wrong- just that for our family it is right.

 

While Sharel and I were having this discussion, another one popped up about what we would do if one of our kids did get pregnant while a teenager.  First- we would love them, that will never change.  We would strongly suggest they give the baby up for adoption through LDSFS, as that is what the Brethren have taught us is the best thing not for us, or for the mom, but for the baby to be able to enjoy the blessings of a two-parent household and the wonderful blessings that come through the ordinances of sealing.  I know it would be extremely difficult not only for our daughters, but for us as grandparents.  But a life is not something we can be selfish about.

In the situation where she does not want to give the baby up, then Sharel and I talked about what the best way to help her would be.  We came up with the following ideas- first as much as we love her and want her to be happy, she has chosen an adult lifestyle and so now she needs to become and adult- that means no more high school- go get your GED and enroll in college, and a job.  We are not babysitters, but would be more than happy to watch the baby while you are at work or school (although with online classes one need not actually go to school).  Your income from the job will pay for most of what the baby needs,. If there is any leftover it can go for rent to us. (sharel and I didn’t talk about this part, but we would probably put the “rent” money away in savings for her).  I am sure there are other things we would do, but those would be the core aspects, and above all those harsh conditions we would give her unconditional love.  We would do everything in our power to make sure she succeeds, without doing it for her.

 

I think this is a good discussion to have with our spouses.  If we kind of have an idea of what we would do in certain situations, then when and if those situations arise we will be able to make a more informed decision not solely based on emotion.  WE also like an idea we heard from Mom. She was watching a talk on the BYU channel about telling our kids what the rules are while they are young.  This way we can have this talk with our kids when they are old enough and tell them what the consequences would be and what we would do in any of these cases.

 

That brings me to one last point- sometimes I get the impression that people think Sharel and I are like German school administrators with our kids- cold, harsh and intolerant.  We are not.  I think what people see is us enforcing rules and consequences that we have already taught our kids.  We try not to bend rules, or not follow through with consequences.  We don’t believe that counting to 10 is effective with our kids.  We don’t believe in telling or asking them to do something 3 times before we follow through  with the consequences.  We also don’t believe in making empty threats- if we tell them if they don’t do something they will go to timeout- and they don’t do it, we put them in time out.  I think it has worked out since our kids behave for the most part.  We also know when they are actually hurt, or when they are merely being dramatic.  But with that we can tell when they are acting hurt for some desperately needed attention, and that is when we give it to them, and cuddle with them and tell them how much we love them.  People don’t see the long nights spent up holding them because they are sick, or the 3 on 1 wrestling matches with the kids, or sometimes those days where the kids just want to be held to feel safe and content.  We are not perfect, we yell when we shouldn’t, occasionally we spank out of anger and frustration, and sometimes we aren’t as compassionate as we should be.  Our kids, not just ours, but every child needs to be told they are loved every day, they need to be shown they are loved and wanted.  Sometimes that involves us sacrificing what we would rather be doing and read the same annoying book over and over to them.  Sometimes that involves us getting down on the floor and playing with them, sometimes that involves holding back our frustrations and annoyance when they want to follow us around the house. Sometimes that means making a big deal out of their hurt finger which we are sure doesn’t hurt nearly as much as they are acting.  The thing that sick to my stomach is that one of my kids would be afraid of me.  I want them to look forward to the time when I come home from work.  I want them to feel safe around me.   I want them to know without a doubt that above all else I love them, and that it is not merely a given, but that I have shown them I love them  and will listen to them.  It is an everyday effort to make sure that I am accomplishing these goals, and some days are better than others, but as long as I am having more better days than bad,  I think I will be ok.

Sorry for the ramblings.  But it was quite therapeutic to be able to say all that.  In case anyone feels like I am on a soap box- I’m not, just sharing what we are doing and what we feel will work for our own family.  Every family is different, so different ways of doing things abound.

 

Peace- I’m out!