Combat Arms

Combat Arms.  Heard of it?  Spencer has.  I have.  Combat Arms is a MMORPG, or maybe it is just a bunch of huge nerds who play online video games.  I play it, but because I am better than everyone else, I play it for a few specific reasons.  Explaining those reasons require a trip in the old wayback machine.  A few years ago there was a forum I belonged to, and one of the guys wrote a review article on incredibly lame online role playing games.  To make the article more enjoyable, he would enlist the help of a bunch of other people who would sign up and play the game with them.  The purpose of this was to see how quickly you could get banned from the game.    I joined in on a couple of these games, and found it was awesome to make a 13 year old flip his lid at you.

 

With that in mind, fast forward to today.  I generally am not a fan of online multiplayer games.  Two reasons- I stink at these types of games, and it is usually a bunch of pre-pubescent mommas boys playing them.  That said, someone at work turned me on to Combat Arms, I in turn got Spencer hooked, and we have generally had a lot of fun playing together.  Because I suck, I found it necessary to cheat.  Of course it wasn’t necessary, I am just a huge turd when it comes to online shoot-em up games. 

 

That brings me to the point where I begin my lecture entitled- “How to Have Fun Playing Combat Arms, Danny Style.”

 

I.                     Combat Arms

Combat Arms is an MMO, first person shooter style.  Basically you pick out guns, choose a game room, then run around shooting each other.  The average age of the average player is 13.  The average age of the average player who hasn’t seen the light of day since the invention of the internet is probably 33.  You rack up points and money by killing other players.  When  some 13 year old players are killed, you can bet that he will blame his death on two things- “this game is laggy”, or my favorite “you hack.”  Rarely does the 13 year old admit that maybe someone got the drop on him.  For the uninformed, “laggy” is when your internet connection does not keep up with the game in real time.  That can cause the game to pause momentarily, allowing someone to kill you because you can’t move.  To be honest this is probably a rare occurrence with Combat Arms unless you are still using a 56k dial up modem.  “hack” is what I do- cheat.  Cheaters, or as they like to be called- hackers, download a program that changes the characteristics of the game.  For example- I can see people thru walls, can see their names so I always know where they are.  It helps immensely because I can kill people without them seeing me.

 

This game is fun when I playing with Spencer, but when he is not on, I find it boring and tedious, mostly due to the 13 year olds who complain everytime they get killed, so I have come up with a few ways to get the 13 year old so worked up you can just imagine him throwing things at the computer, screaming at the top of his lungs.

II.                   Ways to have fun

a.       When someone accuses you of cheating, focus on him.  This means you kill him, and only him.  You follow him around, killing him before he can do anything.  You know you are getting him worked up when he threatens to report you to the game admins.  You know you have won when he quits the game half-way thru.

b.      When accused of “hacking”, freely admit it.  When they come back with awesome zingers like “you have to cheat just because you suck at this game”, reply- why yes you are right.  Offer to let them know when you are cheating so they can take a screenshot and report you to management.  Watch in glee as they try everything they can to kill you, and revel in their frustration when they can’t.

c.       There are things called incendiary grenades, which set people on fire.  After someone dies, they respawn in certain areas.  They have 3 seconds where they cannot be shot, so as to give them a bit of time to get going again.  Thing is, these grenades do affect them, and it really gets people hacked off when you toss a couple of them into their spawn points, and they  lose a bunch of health right off the bat.

d.      Ala Spencer-  You can push certain keys which makes you character say certain things, such as “Over Here”, “cover me”, and Spencer’s favorite “sorry”.  Everytime you kill someone, say “Sorry.”  When you kill up to 60 times in a game, it annoys the crap out of people when they are constantly hearing “SORRY!” every 4 seconds.

III.                Personal Stories:

a.       I had actually turned the cheat off and got a guy fair and square.  Immediately begins to accuse me of cheating.  So what do  I do?  I start cheating.  I had 52 kills that game, 48 of which were off of this one player.  He could barely do anything, but complain and threaten.  I will give him credit, he stuck thru to the end of the game.

b.      I created a character named Cham Hacker.  Cham hacks are the cheats that allow you to see thru walls.  I had just got one guy, who then said I was cham hacking.  He then proceeded to say “Cham_Hacker is chamsing”  Over and over again.  I replied “glad you figured that out Sherlock, considering my name is Cham_Hacker”  I got many LOL’s for that line.

c.       Another young man accused me of cheating, so I stalked him and killed him and only him.  After many threatenings to report me, he left the game room.  So, I left as well and followed him into another game room and proceeded to hunt him down.  It finally ended when he quit playing altogether.

 

So, what have we learned here?  I am a huge turd.  As I have written this I have realized what a huge turd I really am.  I am 29 years old and get my giggles from cheating just to get a couple of kids wearing calculator watches to cry in their pillows at night.  How very pathetic of me.  Will I stop now that I realize how incredibly lame and childish this is?  No.  It still makes me laugh.

 

Peace- I’m out!